Chapter II: Noah

All the chapters are available here: https://aylahurst.blogspot.com/p/no-mans-land.html
The all story is available in Spanish here: https://aylahurst.blogspot.com/p/alaskan-bush-people.html

Since I had reached Browntown by the hand of Matt there was no night that I did not lie down in tears. We arrived in early spring, a foggy morning, and the whole family came to greet us at the beach. I stood by while Matt met with his parents and apologized for their behaviour. Ami cried, and her father also as soon as he was able to embrace his eldest son. Rainy threw herself into his arms, and the rest of the brothers became hard to avoid shedding a tear. Everyone was happy to have him back, but I felt like an intruder. Matt was the one in charge of approaching to his family, surrounding me with one arm the waist:

You know Ayla, she's a good friend ... I hope you do not mind her spending a few days with us in Brown town.

Ami held my hands in tears. They were rough and skeletal, pinned the rings and squeezed me tightly. His face was red with tears.

Welcome Ayla.

And he hugged me, thanking me for bringing his son back home. I was quite reluctant to show affection in public and was visibly uncomfortable at the stranger's display of affection. 

The next few days were the worst days of my life. I was wet and muddy for most of the day, and the chill had hit my bones. I felt useless and a nuisance. I didn’t know how to shoot, not to build a house, not to fish, not to sail ... The little self-esteem I had left was taking the rain down the mountain. I thought seriously about going back to civilization: to continue with my books and editors, writing scripts and occasionally doing some cameo on television. I would forget Matt, I would let him be happy in his woods, and with his ship and his inventions ... I had to make the decision soon, because every time I was falling in love with him. I had spent a fantastic week in my cabin, with him. Little by little she was letting herself go with me: he had a wonderful laugh and some crazy ideas. He kept talking, he loved to talk about any subject; he could spend hours without saying anything, and I loved listening to it. Although the week in which we met we had spent almost completely naked, we had not been intimated since we had arrived in Brown town. I slept beside him, in his tire hut, his warm body curled up against my back and the rifle always at hand. Matt had insomnia problems, so he stayed up all night, I would fall asleep and cry in silence, I didn’t want to hurt him, and he seemed to be delighted with me. "I likes him because he thinks he can’t aspire to more ... He doesn’t know how wrong he is ..." I would say to myself when I felt like he sat next to me and kissed me goodnight in the hair. Of course he would try something, he would spend long periods caressing me and kissing me to warm me, but I didn’t have the courage to do it. We tried once, but Matt realized that I wasn’t comfortable with that situation and stopped. It was clear that he didn’t sit too well that he didn’t want to make love, he made a ball and gave me a cold: "Good evening." No doubt another would have stayed the same, I thought I had lost him that night, but the next day Matt laughed and joked as always. Neither of us liked talking about serious things, so we never talked about it.

Everyone wanted to teach me to do something in Brown town: Gabe insisted that I have to learn to handle tools, Bear wanted that I climbed with him to the top of a tree. Bam and Bird were chasing me to take a rifle ... Even Ami and little Rain were looking for me to cook with them, to skim furs or do whatever... I tried to quit whenever I could, but sometimes it was inevitable, I felt useless and a hindrance for not being able to do the same as them. The mother insisted that no one was born to learn, and that I’d get it next time. But I didn’t want to be a burden to Matt or the family.

One morning when a fine rain fell, Matt got up early, I got up with him, but he told me that he was going to get wood with Billy, Bam and Gabe, and I could sleep a little more. The last thing I heard before that set off was Matt's unmistakable laughter. When I got up it was too late, no one had woken me up and everyone seemed to have found something to do. They wouldn’t let me leave the camp much because of the fear of the bears and I did not know how to shoot, but I needed to spend some time alone. I put my notebook and pencil case in my bag, and a book by George RR Martin. I wrapped myself in a plaid sweatshirt and tucked my hair into a ponytail as I began discreetly toward the stream. I had to walk with leaden feet, it was so lame that I had slipped more than once in front of the family and I had died of shame. I lost my balance a couple of times, but I managed to stand up: "If Matt had seen me now ..." The stream was not far from the camp, I could see if a bear was approaching in time and fled to a safe place, and at last, I could be alone. I breathed deeply the smell of Alaska, I loved to listen to the water running ... I put my fingers and I froze instantly, but I loved to feel that sensation. I stained my jeans even more as I sat on the ground, leaning against a tree, but I didn’t think about it. A soft breeze was blowing and the spring sun warmed my cheeks. I was alone ... at last, I was alone. I tried to read, but the horrible days that had passed did not let me concentrate. "Would Arya have such a bad time when she started to wield Needle? Finally, I took the notebook and began to draw the landscape: but between the water plants and the rocks of the creek I drew an eye, round and with a thick black line. The strokes of the eye were firmer and more marked than those of the landscape, which were barely visible on the white paper, but the eye ... enormous, in the centre, staring into nothingness ... Sometimes I was very baffled by what my subconscious was trying to tell me. "Matt ..." was the only thing going through my head. The impotence of being useless, a burden, not being good enough for him ... I hated myself for falling in love with that creature. After how badly I had gone with men all my life, and I was going and falling in love again ... I had written countless times in my notebook: "Do not fall in love with Matt Brown, do not fall in love with Matt Brown ... "but all he had done was to be hanging on more and more for him ... I held my eye tight and felt the impulse to scrawl everything and throw everything into the sea: the drawings, the letters, the book, and even myself ... Those papers were full of words of farewell and affection, of rage, of frustration. Matt's half-naked drawing in the hut, and a few scribbles I'd done to him that week. I did not want to remember. I was about to ruin everything when a voice whispered in my ear:

It's very nice, will you let me see it?

I jumped. I hadn’t heard it coming, despite walking with a cane and wearing a long black coat visible for miles, Noah Brown was stealthy as a cat. I slammed the notebook shut.

Noah ...-I said, not quite knowing how to follow.-It's just, I was drawing bullshit ... I should be working, I know ... but ... I didn’t know what to say and it was making me hysterical.

Do not worry, I also come here to meditate when I need to be alone.

He sat down beside me and crossed his legs as he sighed deeply.

I started picking up my things:

I'm sorry, I didn’t know ... I'll go somewhere else...

You can stay, you don’t bother me ...- Noah had a melancholy voice, soft as a feather but deep as a well. His manner of speaking seemed to be taken from a book by Miguel de Cervantes-You aren’t like Matt, you know to be silent.

"How long would it take to watch me to know that I had been quiet all the time?" I accepted his invitation to keep her company and I sat, watching the stream as Noah closed his eyes and meditated.

Noah Dark Cloud Brown was the youngest of the Brown men, but at the same time he was the most adult. Always serious, dressed in his black shirts and his crucifixes on all sides. Always with their inventions and their etiquette. Cold as an iceberg. It was easy to look into his eyes, but difficult to guess what he was thinking at the time. He was wrapped in a kind of magical air, a bright blue aura that gave him that mysterious atmosphere ... I did not dare to look at him for long, for fear he would discover that I was watching him. I decided to pretend I was still drawing, but Noah's presence completely dislodged me.

Does not the inspiration come to you? 

No, it's just that, I'm not sure what to do.-I wanted the earth to swallow me, I knew perfectly well that I was looking at it. "My God, what a shame" I made to get up to go, but Noah stopped me:

You know, I'm fond of writing ... Maybe I could lend you a hand.

"Even in what I do professionally I'm bad doing it here."

It's just a drawing ... I'm not writing anything.

It looks like a drawing, but in reality it isn’t ... We make a deal, if you let me see it, I let you read some of my poems, it's an honour, I do not let them see many people.

I wasn’t in a good mood that day, but Noah was making an effort to be nice to me. I had a knot in my stomach and I felt like I could start crying at any moment ... I looked at the fortress and handed the paper to Noah, examined the drawing with the air of a gentleman:

Is it Matt's eye?-I nodded. An entire anthill was wandering through my interior.-By the strokes so marked and so cared for I feel that you think a lot about him, yet he is not looking at you, but he looks at infinity, at nothing, at future ... What do you mean by that? Why are you afraid of what he sees in your face? Why are you scared to belong to his world? To his future?

Noah and my subconscious were leading me to dangerous terrain. The real answer was "because every time he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes I die a little bit inside" but I lied:

I do not know, I just drew it like that...

From his gaze, Matt's younger brother did not believe me and he began to glance at the notebook. I snatched it away as if I were a little girl. He kept getting his foot in it again and again. My God, I wanted to die. Noah's face of surprise was a poem. All my life trying to get people to read what I write, and when someone wanted to do it, I go and take the notebook:

It's personal ...- I said like an automatic response robot.

Noah said nothing, simply pulled out a black and battered notebook from his coat and handed it to me:

Christie's poem.

I looked through the pages of the notebook for the poem he had told me and read it for me: he had the calligraphy of a six-year-old boy but he wrote like a knight of the Renaissance. He had a broken heart, the poor man had suffered a lot ... He thought that girl was the love of his life, his soul mate, but she had decided to go to college.

I liked that Noah believed so much in his values and codes, but for a moment I was glad that Matt was not like him. Mattie was joy, he had that apex of madness that I lacked, Noah, instead, it seemed a sad song of Les Misérables, but I don’t know why I understood with him. I handed him my notebook and let him gossip:

"Matt had the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. He was able to melt the winter with his laughter ... "- he continued searching the leaves and reading verses aloud, letting out the romanticism that I tried to hide:" Every time he looks at me with those huge blue eyes I think I die a little "" I don’t want to leave, I love this. But I don’t want to be a burden on Matt or his family ... "" Here I can be myself, with Matt I can be myself "" I don’t want to hurt him... "" Do not fall in love with Matt Brown, do not fall in love with Matt Brown ... Congratulations Ayla , You've fallen in love with Matt Brown ... "

Noah smirked. None of the brothers had the same wonderful smile as Matt. But it made me feel uncomfortable...

Matt's a lucky guy- he finally said.

Why do you say that?-I whispered, embarrassed. Normally when I was teaching something like that someone was laughing at me, but Noah did not, he didn’t laugh at me, nor did any of the Browns. My "friends" would have been unravelling from me for weeks:

Are you kidding? He's the first to get a pretty girl to Brown town. You like the forest, the animals and to top it all you write very well. Gabey is very envious. You should show these things to my mother, she would love to read them

Relationships are not my thing. Noah, I always try to screw up. Or I end up falling out of love for no apparent reason, or cannot stand my behaviour and is just marching or just not good enough ... I'm afraid that any of those things happen to me with Matt. Yes, it is true, I’ve fallen in love with him, almost from the first moment I looked him in the eyes ... -Noah didn’t make fun of my princess story, on the contrary, he seemed to understand me very well, that encouraged me to continue talking- But what if I'm not good enough for him? At the moment I'm just a burden ... I don’t know how to do anything, I feel humiliated every time I try to do something and I don’t do well. I don’t want to be useless in Matt's life. I want to walk with him through the forest, go hunting or sail. Let it be that he asks me for help to do something and not the other way around ... I don’t want him to be ashamed of me.

And he doesn’t ....-I looked into his blank eyes for an explanation. He had a funny mole next to the tears-Since he came back, he does nothing but talk about how wonderful Ayla is ... That she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, that if she is very intelligent, that she adores the forest ...

You're joking ...I blushed exaggeratedly and smiled like a fool.

I mean it, lately Matt just knows how to talk about Ayla Hurst ... And that Matt spends the day talking ... In the end, I'll end up hating you.-Noah sketched what appeared to be a half-smile. After all, he also had a special sense of humour. -Leaving aside the jokes ... Do you believe in soul mates?

No.-I didn’t even stop to think. I had been so unlucky in love all my life that I had almost given up.

Well, I do ...His eyes fell on the blue sky of spring, and a breeze raised some rebellious blonde locks.-I think there's a perfect woman for me somewhere ... And sooner or later she'll reach my arms.

And how do you know who she is?-I liked the princely way he had to see the world. It was a lot like my fictional love stories, only to him it was all real, and he was not afraid to say it. I wish I was like him and I could say what I think without fear of being laughed at.

I'll know…

Love at first sight doesn’t exist, Noah ..." I lied, since I had fallen in love with Matt's eyes almost instantly to meet him, and by the week I had already imagined him raising a little Mattie in the woods, and I did not like children. If I told him that, Noah would win, I had to forget about Matt and leave that place as soon as possible.

That's because you have not heard Matt Brown talk about: “the first time I saw her I knew she was the woman of my life ... "- it was clear that Noah exaggerated, I did not imagine Matt saying those words, but a part of me I wanted to believe it.

Something vibrated in my pocket, my mobile phone, it was amazing how the messages kept getting me lost in the ass of the world. It was a message from my editor: "Where the fuck did you get in and why do not you pick up the phone? We have to speak Ayla, the publisher wants the first chapters of the book of the savages for this week, but, we’ll withdraw the funds. Please get the fucking phone. "

I threw the phone to the floor with rage. Noah noticed it and smiled again:

In your notebook there are farewell notes for Matt, telling him that you cannot leave your old life just like that, and that he deserve someone better than you ... But the truth is that you don’t want to leave, you’ve imagined your life here. And it's what you really want.

I took a round stone bigger than my fist and hit the phone with rage until it was shattered. I felt liberated from the inside and sighed deeply: "Goodbye editor, goodbye social networks, goodbye hateful photographs ..."

Noah was right, despite how helpless I felt, the Browns had welcomed me with open arms. They were a family and they treated me like one more. I was afraid of being part of such a closed community, but the truth is that I felt at home ... I loved the forest, I adored Brown town and, above all, I adored Matt. His childish behaviour, his sense of humour complemented my maturity and my seriousness. He helped me relax a bit, and I put his feet on the ground when he needed to. He was always able to give me a smile, it was what I needed. He did not underestimate myself, I was not a fool or laughing at myself ... And that made me crazy, that and his smile ... I loved talking to Noah because he shared the same way of seeing the world as I did, and I loved that he defended in a way so firm his values, but would not be a good mate for me.

I don’t want to hurt Matt ... I came out of a stormy relationship not too long ago. I don’t feel ready to start another. "Why the hell am I telling all this to Noah?" - He really deserves someone better, someone more cheerful, not to spend the nights crying, not to be useless.

But he has chosen you ...-he spoke in a way so soft and subtle that he seemed to be stroking a feather. A tear ran down my cheek. "You have to be strong. In the forest don’t cry. "

And if it does not go well? What if the forest is not for me? What if... - Noah threw a stone at me to shut me up. I covered my face with my hands and almost hit my cheek.

You will never know if you don’t try...

Noah was right, he had always been a coward ... I was afraid to try new things. That boy really liked me, made me feel good, encouraged me when I was sad and despite my clumsiness I didn’t underestimate myself as other men had done years ago. He didn’t treat me like a fool. I rinsed my face with my sleeve and smiled remembering Matt's laughter:

With Matt, with Matt, - I couldn’t get the words out. I didn’t need to be alone, I needed to talk to someone, and that someone was Noah Brown-with Matt I can be myself. He doesn’t care how I look or what colour is my hair I can tell him my stories... He always ... even if I do things wrong, he encourages me, makes me feel better ... I want to be with him, Noah, I really do ... But I'm scared. I don’t want to ruin a relationship again and we both get hurt. Matt has already suffered too much, and I was an expert hurting people I loved.

I understand, I felt so bad when Christie cut me off. I wanted to put my heart in a glass jar and keep it on a shelf ... - "I had also assumed that I would die alone" - But God gave me the strength I needed to keep going, and make me see that it was only a test and that the definitive would arrive sooner or later. God does not give us obstacles that we can’t overcome ... And from what Matt says about you, you must be a very strong girl.

The truth is that to date I wasn’t very religious, even so, Noah's words remained in my mind: "There is nothing you cannot overcome." It was my motto: Strength, Perseverance, Heart, Courage and Beginning.

If you do not try, you’ll never know if Matt is another test, or really is the final one.

I extended my arms towards him:

I know you're not very fond of affection, nor am I, but I dare ask you to give me a hug.

Noah's satisfied face rebelled that he accepted my proposal and put his strong arms around my shoulders. It smelled like after shave of old person. Strong but elegant, different from Matt's wet ground smell. His arms were thick, but not as muscular as his older brother, and his long hair was in my face.

Thank you, Noah ...-I found it hard to recognize that someone had helped me, so thanking the boy was a challenge for me. Noah turned red and gave me a nod. She reached for me and took the pickpocket off my hair. I had not been washing my hair in a while, so I was tangled and the platinum blond hairdresser was giving way to a redhead splattered with golden tufts. Noah arranged my hair with his hands shattered by his many inventions.

Be brave, love yourself a little more and trust God ... You have to know if Matt is you longed for soul mate.

I nodded my head. I didn’t know if I was going to follow his advice, but without a doubt talking to him had greatly relieved me. I did not miss the talks with the psychologist, or the psychiatrist who had diagnosed depression and intended to swell me pills. He didn’t need them, just a dose of Noah Brown's faith and beliefs.

By the way ... what are you reading?-The boy set out to break the awkward silence between us. Noah was blushing, maybe it was my fault that I kept looking at those mysterious eyes in such a brazen way.

We both discussed Martin's book for a few moments until I heard a voice calling me in the distance.

Ayla! Ayla!

Matt, his shattered brown coat and his inseparable hat slipped with mud from the shore and fell to the ground. He got up quickly, maybe he had hurt himself, but I couldn’t help but giggle at his clumsiness. Anyway, I was so nervous that he wouldn’t let me ask if he was okay.

You're here!-He exclaimed enthusiastically.-Come with me, I want to show you something ... He held out his hand with the one that did not hold the rifle.

I exchanged a look of complicity with Noah and his strange way of smiling and took Matt's hand:

We moved away from the camp, climbing a small slippery slope, surrounded by the sound of the breeze crashing through the leaves. I almost slipped on the mud, but I managed to keep myself in balance. The birds and the squirrels played over our heads. "The forest is big," Ami Brown used to say ... Matt smiled.

We're almost there...

It was not a very large space, it had a nearly perfect circular shape, the grass came to my twins and the ground beneath my feet was dark and solid. The thick old trees enclosed us in this lovely place. Sunlight filtered yellowish through the clear leaves, illuminating the three wooden targets that Matt had installed on the other end of the clearing. In the distance, along the way, other targets were seen hanging from the trees or fastened on the trunks.

This is incredible ...-I dared to whisper in wonder.

Matt carried the rifle behind me.

We used practice with the arch and the rifle on the beach, but I thought that here you will be calmer...

"Thanks Matt, for doing this for me ... Thank you for not making me feel silly, I just need some practice"

My particular shooting range?

Matt nodded. He stood behind me and helped me properly position the rifle. He was wearing so many layers of clothing that I could barely feel the touch of his body, but a tingling of my stomach ran through the simple fact of having him so close.

Do not hesitate, you just ... shoot.-His thick breath filled my ear.

My shoulder and Matt's body were hit. The impact echoed through the forest, and a flock of birds took flight from among the branches. The bullet had hit the far side of the target. But he had.

Matt was excited as a child. He caught me by the waist and lifted me up, circling me around.

Yes, you’ve done it! You've done it! You have given it! In a few days we’ll be hunting together...

"I also want to go hunting with you Matt, I want to be part of this world, your world ... Pity that I don’t dare to tell you not to hurt you."

His face suddenly turned serious, he was red with so much laughter and the blue of his eyes shone more than ever. He went to a tree and from behind drew an arch of wood, exquisitely decorated with carvings and with two volutes at the tips. The rope was hard and tight. But it was too small for him.

I've done this for you ... I know you like arches, I've noticed how you look at Noah and Rainy when they practice, and in one of your books you talked about a princess with an arch ...-He was blushing, and it seemed to me adorable to be so nervous about making me a present. I stroked the arch with my fingertips, all the cold allowed me to feel it:

Thank you ...-I didn’t know what else to say. He had read my stories! Nobody in my environment used to do it, but he had. He cared. I didn’t know whether to hug him, kiss him or tell him that I loved him and that I would form a family with him at that very moment. -I don’t know how to thank you for doing so much for me.

Feeling worthless was what I hated most in the world. Asking for help and being treated like a fool, that's why I hadn’t dared to do anything with Matt. When I asked for help in my natural environment, they used to treat me as useless or foolish, Matt helped me to learn to stop feeling ... "All the men of the world should have been raised in the forest" - I don’t know how to thank you for everything, what are you doing for me, Matt Brown ... - "again the silly smile".

I do.

His hand with worn gloves settled on my shoulder. He swayed softly toward me, but hesitated ... "You kissed me so easily the first time, Matt ... Don’t hesitate now." The fear of being rejected again prevented me from dare to correspond, but I had stood there, waiting and praying for to kiss me again ... “Why was it costing him so much this time?” He closed his eyes, sighed deeply, and planted a soft kiss on my lips. "Was it so difficult?" He was proud to do so, but he felt uneasy, something was happening to him ... He was quiet, something strangely abnormal in Matt Brown. I noticed the bulk of his pants and I understood everything

We should keep practicing ...- he whispered, his gaze fixed on the floor, dead with shame.

I walked over to him and set the rifle on the ground. I forced him to look me in the eyes.

Yes we should…

I kissed him. It was the first time I kissed him, I decided to do it and I did it with all the desire I had been reserving. I threw his hat to the floor and caressed his almost silver curls. I leaned my back against a thick tree and began to rummage under his clothes, the skin bristling at the touch of my frozen hands. He was thrown, he wished, "don’t be afraid of failure, nor of being wrong ... God doesn’t put us any obstacle that we can’t overcome." Noah's words echoed in my head as I began unbuttoning his belt. "If Matt was going to be a mistake, I’d enjoy it to the fullest."

"What are you doing?" He looked around, frightened for fear that someone would see us, but there was nothing, or anyone within three hundred yards. "The forest is big." My fingers were already brushing the hair at the end of my abdomen.

"Are you sure about this?" I nodded with a smile. Matt glanced around doubtfully again. Nobody-“What the hell!”

He was dying for it. Years ago a man didn’t want me that much and that control over him made me even more excited. The cold penetrated me when he got rid of the bottom of my clothes. I was surprised how could be so excited with those temperatures. It would be true that in Alaska men have the thickest blood. I don’t usually like the sex of improvised, I like that it has its preliminaries: with their corresponding caresses and their kisses. To undress each other, to play ... I didn’t enjoy the first assault, the trunk scratched my back and it hurt me to penetrate. I let out a groan of pain but did not let him stop. A thin film of rain began to cover the clearing. I felt a strange feeling: I did not like that posture or that abrupt way of making love, but I liked Matt and the simple fact of seeing him enjoy so much made everything worthwhile. He pushed me hard against the old trunk, in slow strokes but in which he made sure he got as deep as he could. I finished enjoying it, and I was fully satisfied when it exhaled so deeply into my ear and fell on me. My back was torn and my thighs soaked and stained. Matt's weight kept me from breathing, and the feeling of suffocation was killing me. It was soaked and the dirt and pebbles got into my clothes and began to bite me. Matt's head was on my chest, stroking his curls. He was red, always turning red when he made love, and had a special sparkle in his eyes.

I think today's practice has been very productive ...- he said with a laugh as he slipped on his pants.

We should repeat it more often.-He liked that I joked about it, too.

"I'm going to try with you Matt, I like you too much and I love this place so much that I cannot leave it. I am getting excited to imagine a life here with you, and surely end up taking a deception. But I want to try it Matt, I really want ..."

That night we made real love in the pneumatic cabin. Completely naked and heated by a small wood stove. Finally I could have an orgasm, and Matt smiled contentedly as he poked his head from between my thighs.

"Be brave, love yourself a little more, and trust God," I thought as Matt smiled at me, and that was what I was going to do. I had been brave in daring to provoke Matt into the woods, now I only needed to value myself a little more and who knows if, in the end, I would also end up trusting God as Noah told me.