Chapter IV: Bam Bam

All the chapters are available here: https://aylahurst.blogspot.com/p/no-mans-land.html
All the story is available in Spanish here: https://aylahurst.blogspot.com/p/alaskan-bush-people.html

Ever since I arrived in Browntown I hadn’t needed sleeping pills: work and money always kept me awake, spinning in bed with my eyes wide open until dawn. In Alaska I didn’t have those worries, I didn’t have to discuss contracts or meet deadlines, there were no agendas or budgets ... I recognize that the first days, sleeping was a challenge: not only was all my frustration for being useless and a failure, the discomfort of Matt's bed, the cottage and the noises of the northern night prevented me from getting better sleep. I didn’t know exactly how long I had been there, whether it had been days, weeks or months ... But when I started working side by side with the Brown family, I felt so exhausted at nightfall that I fell asleep almost instantly to lie on the bed. Matt's cabin was small but cosy, with tires on the outside and wood on the inside, he always said he'd done it to impress a girl the day he could get one into the woods. It was full of junk and garbage, of unfinished projects and of Matt's inventions: a television made of cardboard, a wooden totem called Bob, a forge to make swords, or the arm of a brass robot were the wonders it housed Matt Brown in his rubber palace. The bed had no structure of its own, there were several sleeping bags stacked in a mattress, a pillow and a black duvet. It wasn’t big enough for both of us, and the first few nights we didn’t stop bothering each other: my nervous and hysterical character made me stop moving from side to side, to accommodate the cushion or to kick the blankets that they bothered me Matt was suffering from insomnia and when he managed to fall asleep: he would steal the blanket, push him or kick him ... His daytime naps increased because of the nights he was watching over me. It all changed when our intimate relationships became almost daily: being almost or totally naked made us more sensitive to the cold of Alaska night and we looked for each other to sleep huddled. When I lived in New York, I hated to sleep with a man who spent the night hugging me, I had a huge bed where I always ended up throwing them out. I found myself looking for Matt's contact in the middle of the night: like a kitten. His arms to cuddle in his chest, feel the beat of his heart, his breathing slow and his smell of wet ground. I woke him but he didn’t seem to bother, he took me into his chest and caressed me until he fell asleep again. I became overly reliant on Matt's presence in bed to sleep me, sometimes getting up in the middle of the night to urinate or exiting with the rifle because a bear had come too close. I slept so close to him that I would wake up as soon as I felt his heat disappear and I couldn’t go back to sleep until he didn’t go back to bed. "If Matt is here, it's all right," I began to associate unconsciously in my brain.

The sound of the thin rain had made that night especially quiet, I felt Matt behind my back, he slept ... his arm was resting on my hip and he was breathing heavily. "With that smile and those curls looks like an angel" I thought more than once when I saw him rest. But that morning I didn’t have time to think about anything: I opened my eyes suddenly, I was wrapped in cold sweat and I felt that my throat would explode at any moment: I jumped out of bed, waking Matt that he was startled and he ran after me. I didn’t even feel the chill when I went outside, it was hardly dawn, and the wet mud got between my bare toes. I was delighting the forest dwellers with my "sexy" tank top and my bearskin pants, but I didn’t even think about it. I tried to reach as far as I could, to enter the forest, but as soon as I reached the palisade of the hut, I leaned against the wall, my eyes clouded, and I felt my legs tremble. My head was spinning. I could hear Matt shouting my name like a litany. An arcade ran down my throat and I blew out a stinking yellow liquid from my mouth with food stumbling. I could only see my feet soaked in vomit and mud and the strands of hair that fell around my face. I began to cry without reason without looking up from the puddle. Another arcade and more vomit. Matt came to my side at that moment: one of his arms held me protectively while the other held my hair to prevent it from staining me. He had come out almost at the same moment, he wore neither shoes nor shirt, only jeans badly placed and unbuttoned.

OMG! What happened to her? -was the voice of Billy Brown, who had come closer to hearing Matt's screams. From my position I could only see his old, worn-out leather boots.

Even though the sun had hardly risen, life had already begun to stir in Brown town. When I ran out of Matt's cabin I didn’t even notice Billy was carving a piece of wood from the front porch of his house, Noah was dumping plastic on a fire in front of his tent and Bam Bam cutting wood on a stump near his hut of hunters. The three of them approached at the scandal.

I don’t know…- I felt Matt's fear in his voice, sure that if I looked at his face would be reddened by the nerves-It has risen suddenly and has run away...

I'm going to tell Mom-and the patriarch shouted at his wife.

I didn’t dare raise my head. I was in pyjamas and I'm sure my nipples bristling with cold, clearly visible through the shirt, will be a sight. I felt weak and humiliated. My eyes were wet with tears, and my breath reeked of vomit. Another arcade. Matt was holding my body and trying to keep calm even though I felt his concern in his tone.

Quiet, nothing happens ... Come on, throw it all ... that's it, very well ... quiet...             

"He's scared. We both are. "

Matt's cries woke the rest of the family and before Ami and the girls arrived; Bear and Gabe were already surrounding me. From my position I could only see his feet, he had also stained Matt with vomit. How embarrassing it all was! It only made me cry, vomit and suck my snot. "Please, land me down." Gabe looked like he was the one who was most alarmed after Matt. "I'm sorry you have to see your idol like Gabe, you see? I also have horrible days.” He bent down to ask what was wrong, but Bam threw him back, just like Bear.

Don’t overwhelm her, she needs to breathe... -"Thanks Bam."

I was panting exaggeratedly and whimpering nervously, but after the third jet I began to clear my mind. Matt's blue and glassy eyes peered out of his side, I could see in his face how frightened he was, I wanted to tell him I was fine, that I was feeling better, but I didn’t get the words out. I didn’t know what had happened to me and I was just as scared as he was. I hugged him with all my strength, sinking my cheek into his bare torso, had goose bumps through the cold. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head as I rocked softly and spoke to reassure me (actually, to reassure them both):

There, it's all over ... I'm here, calm down ... I'm here.

It was as if I read the thought, I knew perfectly well what I wanted to hear. Then came Ami, followed by her daughters. I didn’t want to look at her, I didn’t want to look at anyone. I felt useless again, weak and humiliated. I was embarrassed to be seen like this ... I was surrounded by people who cared about me: "I didn’t want them to worry about me! I am not a useless or a weak. I'm fine, I'm really fine, please leave. I can manage them alone, I always do... "

What happened?-Asked the sweet woman.

Ayla has vomited ...- replied Bear without shame.

She put his hand on my shoulder and gently asked me if it was all right, but I just kept whining and hugging Matt.

She's scared- Noah had a gift for communicating the obvious.

Let's get her inside. Matt, come with me ... -We agreed to walk following Ami, Billy and the girls accompanied us. The rest intended to follow us as well, but Bam again said that I needed to be left with my space. From my perspective I couldn’t see what was really happening, but I imagined the face of Gabe's insolence to refuse to obey the order of his older brother.

Guys, back to your chores ... I'll take care of her.- No one dared question Ami Brown's decision.

I settled on the dining table, wrapped in a blanket. I was calmer now and started to breathe normal, Matt tried to wipe my face with a rag, but I stirred and wiped myself. Ami brought me some tea so that my stomach would settle. Around me, sat Billy and the rest of the girls, Matt was still glued to me like a limpet, shaking my shoulders to warm up:

It's okay Matt ... I'm fine ...- I was finally able to speak and Matt was beginning to crush me with such a hug.

Are you sure? Are you dizzy? Does it hurt? -He started to touch me on all sides, I jerked him away.

I'm fine, stop pestering me...

Excuse me ... but when you left that way from home I was scared. What happened to you?

I looked at the ground trying to avoid the answer.

Matt...-Ami finally said.-Why don’t you go get dressed and go with Bear to finish his cabin?

I'm fine here,-he said insolently. – Bam is in charge of helping Bear.

Bam is getting ready to go to Hoonah, Paul has to talk to him about a possible business- Billy clarified.

I really am fine Matt ... Please go to work...-I regretted speaking to him in that instant, but I was too proud to apologize. The breath smelled of vomit, so I didn’t want to kiss him when he brought his lips to me. He had to settle for kissing me on the temple. His sentence echoed in my head: "In Alaska you don’t know when you'll see someone again. Make sure you always know you love it and value it. "

His blue eyes and congested face looked at me one last time before he walked out the door:

-Bye.

-Bye- I replied cold as ice.

A glance from Ami served to tell Billy that it was time to retire.

I'm going to give the boys instructions and talk to Bam about what to do in Hoonah.

Rainy, why don’t you go with him and tell him what he has to buy me?

The youngest of the family nodded and left with her father. There was only Ami, Bird, and me, who sipped timidly from my cup of tea. The mother approached me, as if she wanted to tell me a secret. The smell of cheap cologne stunned my senses and I could smell the breath of an older person.

There are things you can only talk to a woman with, right?-she spoke softly, as if she were floating in a cloud, but she had a point of mischief in her eyes. Birdy looked a lot like her, both physically and inwardly: sweet as honey but strong as an oak. I didn’t understand what she wanted to say, but I avoided crossing at all with that sharp nose and those eagle eyes that saw everything- This isn’t the first time that happens to you, right? You get nauseous in the morning, suddenly, as if nothing ... - "how the hell did you know? Would he spy on Matt and me? Would she have seen us in the woods that day? Fuck, I just want this fucking day to end, please, God, kill me!”

Just a couple of days ago ... It must be a stomach virus or something I've eaten...- I glanced at Birdy's support, but she also avoided looking me in the eye.

Ami didn’t believe me:

Now, tell me one thing: are you more sensitive to smells lately, do you have mood swings, or do your breasts hurt too much? - She had a tendency to ask intimate questions without too much discretion. So far he had been quite out on Matt's orders, but he had already reached his limit.

No...-The trembling and doubt of my voice betrayed that I hadn’t even noticed these things, but I was beginning to sense where this conversation was going to lead, and they were very turbulent waters.

I understand, sorry for the indiscretion, but when was the last time you had the period? "For God's sake, I didn’t even know what day I lived to know when the last period came!"

What day are we?-I asked timidly.

May twenty-first-Birdy's solemn response hit my face like a good slap. May twenty-first! Impossible ... When I met Matt we were in the middle of March ... How could two months have passed so quickly? And Oh my God ... Despite being prepared I hadn’t bled since I had arrived in Brown town ... My face must have been a poem at that very moment. I didn’t see myself reflected anywhere, but I could feel the blood dropping to my feet. I was as white as a ghost.

It used to be late. It's never come to me on a regular basis... -The excuse was more to convince myself than to convince her.

Do you have intimate relationships with Matt often? - She asks with a mortal question. She tried tactfully, but the attempt was in vain. "Yes, almost every night I'm dying to have your son between my legs" did not seem like a good answer. My pallor turned cherry red. I could feel the blood boiling in my head, I looked for reference points to escape from that response. Ami seemed to notice my discomfort, but his gaze still haunted me like an eagle. Birdy said nothing.

Where do you want to end up? - I was starting to get nervous and that made my character sour. My chest was swollen and I was on the defensive with everyone.

Nothing ... It's just ... I've had seven children. I know the symptoms... -Her voice rumbled over my head as if an iron hammer had struck it like a cowbell. Ami rose from the table with her haughty and proud bearing. -If you'll excuse me, I have things to do... Love you girls.

Love you- we both replied.

I hit my head against the table. With Birdy there was more confidence, but neither was it with whom I wanted to share my experiences in bed with Matt…

-OMG! What I am going to do? What the fuck do I do now? - She patted me on the back to comfort me.

-Quiet ... sure is nothing. Just a false alarm...

"A false alarm of more than two months in which I've been brushing your brother every night? Sure, it doesn’t sound too convincing ... "I said to myself, even my voice sounded unpleasant inside my head.

You can always do a test...

Do not say it. Do not even think about saying it... -I scolded her, besides, where would I get a predictor out of the woods? The nearest pharmacy was in: Hoonah... I slapped the table and looked at Bird with a glimmer of hope in my eyes. My jaw contracted under pressure.-Has Bam gone yet? - I asked hysterically. She was startled by my sporadic mood swings.

Um ... I don’t know... I..." She hesitated.

I jumped up from the table and scoured the door, still in my pyjamas, so I ran to get dressed in Matt's cabin. I buckled my jeans and put on my boots. My feet were muddy, but I would have time to clean them afterwards, I had to reach Bam Bam. I put on the black sweatshirt in a bad way and came out with the anorak in my hand. I had put money and documentation in my backpack, the Browns didn’t believe in the papers, but they were what showed that I had a visa and I wasn’t escaping justice. I untied my bag in search of the bag to rinse my mouth, but I didn’t find it, or the deodorant. I had hygienic wipes in my backpack, I'd have to deal with them and keep an eye on not taking anyone's breath too close. I ran everything that my legs allowed me to reach the bay, Bam was putting the boat into the water. I shouted at him, though he turned with the passivity and arrogance that characterized him:

Are you better already?- I came exhausted and felt as if at any moment I was going to throw my lungs out with my mouth.

Can I go with you to Hoonah?-I asked through gasps. Bam didn’t like to work as a team, and I was afraid he would bitter the trip, but I urgently needed to go to civilization. Fortunately, I caught him in a good mood:

Of course, why not? Goes up…

The first part of the journey passed in silence, rocked by the sound of the boat engine and the crack of the hull to hit the waves. I took advantage to put the clothes correctly. The wind ruffled my hair and didn’t let me see, so I ended up picking it up in a braid, although rebellious strands kept bothering me around the face. As soon as I paid attention to Bam, the journey, which lasted only an hour, was becoming eternal.

Are you going to the doctor?-He asked at last to break the awkward silence.

Bam Bam was the tallest of the five siblings and it was quite the opposite of Matt. He hadn’t talked too much with him, we used to talk about politics, economics, and all kinds of Hard News, but he didn’t have the confidence with Birdy, Noah or Matt himself. In addition, the continuous misfortunes that were happening to me that day caused that it didn’t want to speak, and that responded in a bad way to the whole world.

No.

Then why are you going to Hoonah?

I have to buy some things...

You could take advantage of them to have a check-up done, it's not very normal to get up in the morning, throwing up like that... -Bam, always so cautious and worried about everyone. He spoke to me in a way that was sweeter and more attentive than his brothers, even though he was with Matt, Bam was a born seducer and couldn’t help addressing me as if I were a maiden in distress.

I'm fine...-I grumbled reluctantly. -I've only eaten bad food.

Ya ... do you think I was born yesterday? Matt might have been with you to the doctor, you don’t know how worried he was...

"Matt and his concern can go to hell for a while."

He's busy, helping Bear with the tree hut.

You're more important than four pieces of wood stuck in a tree ...- He spoke in verse, his eyes full of pride through the glasses of those old John Lennon glasses. The five brothers had clear eyes, from Matt's blue sky, past Gabe's violet indigo, to Noah's grey storm. Bam's were green, like olives, and wrapped in a bright, haughty brown iris. His gaze met with his superb smile. He was the tallest of them all, and he looked at me from above with a swollen chest, his eyes full of superiority. The truth is that a part of the sulky and proud Bam had me captivated: his long hair and earrings, tattooed muscular arms full of black armbands and silver rings and long and strong legs well marked through his jeans They gave an air of superiority, of magnificence, of a hard type that goes of soled for the life, that has everything under control and that called to me the attention. No doubt, he was the most attractive of the brothers ... even above Matt.-Now seriously, you don’t have to lie to me. Why are you going to Hoonah?

I don’t want to talk about this with you- was my honest answer.

And who are you going to talk to? - He exclaimed in a superb tone of voice that matched his gaze. He stretched out his arms, showing me the sea around us, we were alone. Some porpoises jumped in the distance. -Sure they want to hear you...-he teased.

His sarcasm and tone of voice were pulling me even more out of my squares:

Just go and rule the ship.-"And leave me alone".

Stop-he warned me-calm, that at any moment I can turn around and we don’t see Hoonah in months. You need to talk to someone about what's wrong, it's not good to keep things. "I've been keeping things all my life, Bam." -You don’t have to talk as much as Matt, of course, but I guarantee that I will listen to you ..."

Bam Bam was all a gallant, a flirt. If I lived in the city it would be the typical one that in a nightclub would not approach me in a million years, but in the forest he was not very accustomed to seeing many girls, and although I was with his brother, he continued talking to me like a potential girl for tonight… I sighed deeply because he was despairing me.

I suppose it's no secret that I sleep with Matt...

No, he usually brags about it constantly in front of the rest. - Matt had a tendency to talk too much, but I didn’t mind bragging about it in front of his brothers. If I had friends I would also boast of him.

The detail that we didn’t use any kind of protection has also told?

Bam bowed his head. He worried about the slightest and although he tried to hide it, his face betrayed that he was beginning to fear that his older brother had gotten into some mess ... He ran his hands through his thick golden beard:

Really, Ayla ... you had five brothers to choose from, five! And you've gone to mess with the dumbest of all...- I didn’t like he talked about Matt like that, sometimes he was like a kid, but he knew how to get serious when it was necessary and he wasn’t stupid-. What's wrong? Does Matt do it so well that you cannot stop for a moment to put on a condom?" Leave that sarcastic tone Bam, and don’t talk to me like I'm dumb."

I don’t want to talk about this with you, Bam ... -I turned his olive gaze and concentrated on the white crests of the waves, I was blushing again.

And who are you going to do it with? With my mother? With Noah? -"His sarcasm made me nervous and hated that he spoke to me in that tone of superiority, he was no better than I, but I’ve never bothered to prove to anyone what I was capable of, much less I would strive to show it to Bam Bam Brown.

I don’t think anything happens ... It is normal that sometimes it is delayed a little, just to make sure ... -I tried to excuse myself.

Yes, but what if it does? What if it isn’t a false alarm? Have you thought what you are going to do?

“You always putting yourself in the best, right Bam?”

Begging me...- I replied dryly.

Come on ... would it be so bad to have a little Mattie?

Ever since I started my career, children didn’t fit my plans. I wouldn’t have time for them, I travelled a lot and my work forced me to be connected twenty-four hours a day. Besides, I had already become aware that I wasn’t going to find anyone to spend the rest of my days with, and I wasn’t in favour of adoptions or methods of assisted reproduction. In that respect, the philosophy of Noah followed a little, "if fate doesn’t give me a child naturally, it may not be destined to have one" Please! If I don’t know what I'm going to do with my life, how would I know what to do with a child? Another one of my fears was to bring to the world a baby that resembled me: to be as timid as me and to have no friends, to be alone and not to feel loved and valued. I didn’t want to have a child who spent hours crying in a bath, soaked in vomit without anyone realizing his absence ... I didn’t want to bring a life to this shit society, but I wasn’t in that shit society...

I am twenty one, Bam ... A race ahead, contracts, books, scripts to finish...

And what benefit will that bring you? Yes, you’ll live as well as you want in your New York attic surrounded by green bills of no value ... Will you be happy with that? I wouldn’t be.

"Why the fuck did he have to talk so well?" I wasn’t going to deny that on one occasion, when Matt was tender with me, I had imagined myself with a baby with blond curls and blue eyes in my arms, and Matt by my side, looking at us proudly.

I can’t have a baby here. A child needs doctors, schools ... And besides, at some point I'll have to go home... -A thorn pierced my heart as I spoke those words.

That you didn’t tell Matt, he thinks you're going to stay forever...-He had a lump in his throat, and he struggled not to notice how it had cost him to utter that. He also wanted me to stay-Matt is a jelly head, a childish and an immature one, but he's the only older brother I have. He hadn’t seen him laugh or smile like that for a long time. - "Yes, the truth is, he has a wonderful smile, does not him?"-The whole family is very grateful that you brought him back home...-"You want I stayed to make sure he doesn’t drink again, they don’t want me for who I am, just to be Matt's guardian bitch.”-And besides, we seven have grown up in the forest and we've never missed anything...

A tear ran down my cheek, and Bam saw it clearly slide down to melt on my clothes.

You don’t want to leave...-"No Bam, I don’t want to, because until a moment ago I believed that you loved me for what I am, not to watch Matt, that you valued my writing skills and my will to learn, but I just realized that I am the same useless as came the first day.“ I missed Matt, I hadn’t seen him for a few hours, but I missed him, I needed him to hug me, although I would never ask him directly, to shake me and kiss my hair, to tell me he was there . I needed him to be there. I started rummaging in my backpack and placed several coloured boxes on my lap, I showed them to Bam one by one:

These are for sleeping, these are others control my hormone levels so I don’t have a change of mood, these are a painkiller and this are another painkiller for headache and back and these are for depression .... I haven’t needed to take any of them since I got here.

I wanted to throw them in the head for making me see that I am only the guard of his brother's back, the one in charge to make sure he doesn’t drink. I am still the same useless as ever, Bam had shown me respect and confidence from the first day, but wanted to kill him at that very moment. The silhouette of Hoonah began to be seen on the horizon:

The hour of truth- Bam proclaimed to break the ice after the uncomfortable silence that formed after I showed him the amount of medicines that doctors were trying to induce me.

I helped him moor the boat, although he wasn’t in the mood for it, he snatched the end of my hand from me as I watched everything it took to do the sailor's knot:

This is not done...- He crouched beside me, and if it wasn’t for the gloves he would have cut off my hands. His rough fingers and wear-worn gloves brushed my hands, smooth from the lack of manual labour and the amount of creams and chemical oils I applied. I held my breath so that he wouldn’t realize that I hadn’t yet brushed my teeth, though I distinctly perceived his strong male scent. "Bam smells very strong, musk: Matt to wet ground, Noah to after shave of old man and Gabe to sawdust ... Maybe yes I am becoming more sensitive to smells"

Matt taught me how to do it...

Matt usually has his own way of doing things ... And it's not always right.

He finished tying the knot and stood at my side:

Go do what you have to do, I'm going to see Paul, see you in the port café when you finish.-and each one went by his side. Both pissed off at each other. I turned one last time to see Bam walking away, his steps proud and his hands lying in that long dark coat: "Yes, he certainly has a better ass than Matt."

I was so frightened, so lonely that I didn’t even realize that it was the first time I had walked civilization in centuries. It was almost summer, but I was still dying of cold. I put my hands in my pockets and zipped up to my nose. I walked with a trembling step, the floor was soaked and the few people who walked in the street followed me with their eyes. I was a stranger, and I was alone. I entered the dubious pharmacy and forced myself to be strong: "God doesn’t put obstacles bigger than we can overcome" used to say Noah. I looked with unsteady gait and under the watchful eye of the clerk the contraceptive section: I grabbed the cheapest condoms I found, didn’t even look at the brand, the touch or anything ... I just wanted to get out of there, I did the same with the pregnancy test, I grabbed the cheapest and went to pay. I also bought a toothbrush and some toiletries. I kept my eyes fixed on the white wood of the counter to avoid crossing the look of the clerk:

It will be thirteen dollars and fifty cents- I handed her a fifteen dollars -Are not you the writer who came to interview the Browns? - I took the change back and the plastic bag with my things:

No, it's not me...-I said nervously before running off and almost tripping over the step of the entrance. I liked to be recognized on the street, it made me feel special, that my effort and all my writing work was worth it, but I was ashamed of it because I had done it while buying a predictor and some condoms.

On my way out, I put on my woollen hat to prevent anyone from recognizing me again. I ran to where I had been with Bam, but he wasn’t there yet. I sighed, relieved that I wanted to do this alone, I needed to do it alone. I missed Matt a lot at the time ... "I should have told him, I wouldn’t be going through this alone, no ... I can’t depend on him like that, he's busy, you're a strong woman, Ayla, you can do it. Come on, do it at once." I locked myself in the tiny bathroom. At last I washed my teeth as God commanded, I undid the braid and straightened my hair. I took the opportunity to wash properly: I wet my face with water and thought of everything that had happened so far. I must be strong. My eyes glittered exaggeratedly when I cried, and at that moment they gleamed so much on my red face that it looked more like a cat than a person.

It wasn’t the first time I had a pregnancy test, I had already done one, some years ago, when my period was delayed and my partner then insisted on doing it, just to make sure nothing happened. At that moment it was very easy because I was sure that it was only his paranoiac mind, but this time I wasn’t so clear ... It was the two longest minutes of my life, I sat on the floor of that dirty bathroom to wait for it to appear that had to appear. Finally I armed myself with courage, I sighed and looked at it, looked at it several times to be sure and I burst into tears. I thought of Matt, I wanted him to be there with me ... If I had a phone I could call him and hear his voice, but it would be hours before I see him again. If I see him again: "You never know if you'll see someone again in Alaska." And if I fled now, saying nothing? It wouldn’t be the first time I ran away from a boy ... but it was Matt, my sweet little Matt ... His family was convinced that he had stopped drinking thanks to me, if I left, they thought I would do it again. And if it was true I would hate myself for not being by his side. I promised that whenever I found someone who needed my help I would offer it, but I didn’t count on falling in love with my patient or depending so much on him. I hated myself for wanting it, for being able to break the ice barrier I had wrought in my heart to prevent them from hurting me again. I wanted to hit my head against the wall and disappear, and never to have accepted the work of Alaska, not to have met Matt or to know that there was another life beyond the editors and the books, a life of freedom. I wanted him to tell me one of his stories, to laugh with his beautiful laugh, to teach me to do something, to make me smile ... and I was disgusted with myself for wanting to be close to someone. I was breaking my shield, violating my principles of just being true to myself I grabbed my backpack and pulled out all the boxes of pills, looking at them one by one. I threw them angrily to the floor and looked back at the predictor. Bam should be waiting ... I picked up my things and threw that piece of shit away in the trash. I washed my face again, but my eyes betrayed that I had been crying.

Bam Bam was sitting upright, reading the newspaper while sipping a soda directly from the can. I approached him with a determined step, I tripped over a table, for a change, but he seemed not to notice my presence until I sat in front of him. He looked up from the newspaper, his proud eyes filled with hidden concern:

I've ordered peperoni pizza, I suppose you'd like it-even his superb tone of voice sounded insecure.

I hadn’t eaten pizza for centuries and had an empty stomach. Suddenly, I fell into that I was very hungry, but also a strict diet to follow:

I can’t eat pizza, I get fat."

So what?-The truth is that I really wanted to eat a good piece of pizza. We both kept quiet for a long time, he looked at his newspaper, and I looked at him. Neither of them dared ask.

Negative. - I breathed a large breath and relieved the table with both fists.

Thank God. - His face changed completely. He rubbed his palms again against his cheeks.

My hormone pills are also contraceptive, when a woman stops taking them suddenly her hormones go crazy and take several months to regulate: that may imply that they delay the period, mood swings, breast pain ... Almost like a pregnancy women who stop taking them to be mothers usually take about a year to conceive ...

So it was the pills...

Yes, -I said finally relieved.-It was just a scare.

Now you can go back to your beautiful city... -"I just want to see Matt, Bam, I just want to see Matt, really ..." but as always I chose not to respond and let them slap me-and break my heart to my brother.

I don’t want to talk about it, Bam, I've already told you: I have contracts, business, and responsibilities to attend...

Things that don’t make you happy! - He raised his voice enough to hear us part of the restaurant. He lowered his tone and pointed an accusing finger at me-my brother, Brown town, that makes you happy.

"No, it makes you happy. I'm just Matt's nanny, you don’t look like one of the herd. "

Did you close the deal with Paul?- His look of disgust said it all, but he didn’t have time to respond, two girls of about fourteen or fifteen years approached timidly. At the other part of the café, two voluptuous mothers looked at them proudly.

Excuse me, are you Ayla Hurst?

I had to put the best of my smiles, despite the bad day that had just happened:

Yes, it's me ... what can I do for you? - The girls let out a few shrill shouts and spoke to me timidly.

Would you mind taking a picture with us?

No, of course not...- I answered gently.

They pulled out their Smartphone and we did a couple of selfies, before the half-smile of sarcastic Bam:

Is it true that you are going to return to Supernatural this season? - They had let loose a little and spoke to me more blatantly.

Well, there are still many things to fix...- I answered truthfully. I noticed Bam's olive eyes stabbing me several times in the chest.

Is Jensen Ackles more handsome than he was on TV?

It is, he’s a gentleman...- The girls shouted excitedly again.

And is that what?...

Girls! - One of the mothers called to them to leave me alone, and I was able to regret it again. Bam Bam's face was a poem and I was dying of shame.

Does this make you happy? Take pictures of you screaming girls and answer stupid questions? -The waiter brought us a hot peperoni pizza and delicious melted cheese. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and my stomach roared exaggeratedly, but I refrained from taking a piece, unlike Bam who let the cheese soak his beard - And not being able to eat it that you feel like it.  Let me tell you what a fucking life you have.

I felt humiliated and refused to look him in the eye. I clasped my hands together and laced my fingers over and over again to hide my nervousness. I remembered how I covered my me when I was with Matt: it was extremely embarrassing for me to show my flaccidity, my pale skin and my broad thighs in front of his sturdy, muscular body. Bam realized how he had made me feel, had a tendency to disrespect people if his views didn’t match his, yet he didn’t apologize, he was too proud to do so. He changed the subject radically, it was his particular way of saying that he regretted what he had said:

I haven’t been able to close the deal with Paul,-he finally admitted, dejected. I looked up at him.-This year he won’t be able to give us many jobs. He has to fix some bureaucratic matters and he has to pay someone to do it...

Managers are expensive.

-It's going to be a loose year for the Brown's transportation business.

Did he tell you what the papers were for?

He mentioned something I don’t know what insurance for the ships.-Bam wiped away the excess cheese dripping from his beard.

I wasn’t too good at doing practical work, but the theoretical issues were mine, as well as taking advantage of the opportunities. A teacher from my university used to say, "You always have the no" and that philosophy was the one that had brought me door to door from all the publishers in the city until I got one to publish my book.

Maybe I can help you with that ... Can we go see Paul again? - I said as I filled my mouth with hot cheese and a strong, hot-flushed flavour.

Bam seemed to doubt my intentions, but I needed his vote of confidence, he needed me not to fail me this time. He had supported me on the day of the hunt with Gabe and had allowed me to sail with him to Hoonah, I needed him to support me at that moment. The boy was aware that the work season was up to me: he hadn’t managed to close the deal and if there was the remote possibility that I could do it, he wouldn’t miss it:

Okay, come on, but don’t bother it. - His accusing finger stuck in my chest.-Paul is our best provider, without him we're dead.

He had put pressure on me with the last sentence, but I wasn’t going to let a little stress stop me. I knew how to talk to people, it was my business, my dealings... I came upstairs when I brought out my persuasive abilities, I could do it. We went to see Paul at the port, his problem was easier than I imagined. He just needed someone to update the permits of the ships, the insurance, organize the agenda... He needed a secretary. I picked up the papers he showed me and gave them a quick glance:

I'd need to look at it more calmly, but the solution is not complicated: you have delayed in the payments of the big ships, you could pay the fine of which more you use now and leave the insurer with which you have it. You give them a lot of money and they aren’t interested in losing you as a customer, they would reduce the debt of the other and while you save to pay, we can update the permissions of smaller boats, and look for cheaper insurance for skiffs...

Do you understand this? - The carrier was surprised. Bam's face didn’t show his astonishment, but I had learned to read between the lines of his superb smile.

My stepfather has a small business, and before he worked for the publishing world I helped him with the paperwork. I also had internships in a management and I learned to handle a little with lawyers and insurers... -I shrugged - you know, things of city...

And you would charge me a lot to do all these things? Would it be less than a professional manager? -Paul seemed desperate to solve his bureaucratic problems.

Nothing, I wouldn’t charge you anything. As long as you keep the Brown workload at the same level as before.

Paul didn’t think twice and shook my hand tightly:

Done deal. Tomorrow I will gather all the papers that have and we get to work as soon as possible.

I couldn’t conceal a smile of triumph as we walked away. As soon as we were far enough away from Paul, Bam hugged me tightly:

You've got it! We have work! We have jobs!

Sometimes your methods are not always so correct...- I teased as I undid the knot that held our skiff to the port. He smiled proudly, proud of me. I couldn’t help blushing, for once I had not felt useless! It had served something ... I couldn’t believe it. I looked at him, the wind shaking his hair, framing the olive gaze fixed on the sea and the proud smile. His scent of musk mingled with salt... I wanted to come back, to explain to Matt what I had done, I had forgotten about the accident that morning. Matt would be proud of me, celebrate my triumph over the top, always knew how to make me feel so good... When I failed alone he gave me the strength to get ahead, it was much easier than doing it alone, I could bear part of my weight and not load It became so heavy. My successes celebrated all over, made me feel good, alive, and made me feel so...

Bam...- He turned slightly to me.-Matt is what makes me happy. His way of seeing the world, his way of making me feel ... It's complicated to explain-talking to Noah about this would have been much easier, he understood me-but when Matt tells me that I'm pretty or that I do something well... I feel that he tells me from the inside... No one had ever spoken to me like this before. It's like when a child tells you to "love you", you know it's real. Out there, people are very superficial, you know? The flattery is just to dump a famous, I find it difficult to assume, but I think Matt, simply loves me... and I to him. When I was in Hoonah, I never stopped to think about how much I had longed for civilization, maybe I did miss some things, but when I was there I just thought I wanted to see Matt. Maybe I'm looking stupid and I spend too much time writing stories, this isn’t the first time I'm called a dreamy idiot, but right now I only think of him, and his smile, his fucking smile...

He smiled between uncomfortable and satisfied by that confession:

If he makes you so happy... Why not take the risk? Leave it all and come to Alaska, with Matt and all of us.

I don’t want you to see me as Matt's nanny, Bam. I want you to see me as someone useful, who can collaborate with the family...

Do you really think we see you like this? - He seemed disappointed with me. -You're very wrong. You brought Matt back home and we were grateful for it, then you fell in love and it was lovely for everyone to see how you did it, really, it was like watching a soap opera. But what we really liked about you was that you admired our way of life and that from the beginning you tried to integrate yourself, to learn ... In the forest we aren’t as egocentric as the place where you live. We all saw that you gave the best of yourself and after everything you've been through, how you stood up again and again until it worked out. That's admirable Ayla, that's the character of Alaska. At no point did we see you as Matt's nanny, rather as the newest member of the family, let alone as useless-I didn’t know if Bam's words were sincere, but certainly comforting- After how you solved Paul's subject ... I assure you that if there was a slight doubt, you left it.

The rocky beach of Chichagof was beginning to be seen on the horizon. A figure waited for our arrival. I recognized Matt's unmistakable hat, throwing a stick at Mr. Cupcake. My mind quickly associated the concepts: "If Matt is here, it's all going well." And I felt even more wanting to see him.

Can I confess something to you? - I knew that when we got off the boat, he'd be the proud Bam again, and I'd be the intruder who slept with Matt and our conversations would be limited to the current Hard News. I wanted to take advantage of the last minutes I had in the company of that tender and sensitive Captain Bam Bam.

Come in.-He nodded in that confident tone of voice that characterized him.

A tiny, diminutive, part of me, I wanted that baby to be real. It was the perfect excuse not to leave...

He said nothing, just smiled and jumped out of the boat to drag him to the sand. I helped Bam get the boat out of the water as Matt and Cupcake approached us. The puppy ran up to me and I greeted him by scratching his neck as he licked my face. I loved animals. Matt, instead, walked slowly toward us. I didn’t want to run to him and hug him and tell him how much I missed him, let alone in Bam's presence, so I waited by Cupcake until he came to my side. I left the dog and got up, it was barely a few inches from me. His face was congested and his eyes were glassy. "Something is wrong".

Matt! Don’t you know what Bam and I have done in Honnah? We talked to Paul and...

You left without saying anything...-he was angry with me, rather disappointed, though he did not understand why. A pout dropped from her thin pink lips.

How? - I cried in surprise.

I'd better leave you alone...- Bam started walking toward the camp, wanted him to stay, didn’t want to face Matt alone. A sense of guilt rose through my stomach. I didn’t know why, but I had the feeling that I had done something wrong.

I came to see you at the house, and Bird told me you went with Bam. Without saying anything to me! In Alaska you don’t know when you'll see someone again...

My strong and independent woman's side sprang from my interior:

I don’t need to tell you where I am at all times. Neither in Alaska nor anywhere.

If you've spent the morning vomiting yes, - was his firm response.-For God's sake!" You don’t know how worried I was, if you had to go to the doctor I might have gone with you. I'm your partner, right? For better and for worse…

I didn’t go to the doctor Matt, I just needed to buy some things, you were working and I didn’t want to bother you with my nonsense...- I spoke in whispers in comparison to his cries. I was wrapping myself in my shield, Matt's face was so red and bloodshot eyes. I had never seen him like that. I was afraid.

You're more important than sticking a couple of planks in a tree- "If in the end Bam and you aren’t going to be so different". - I thought you were very bad, or worse ... That you were gone forever, without saying anything, without saying goodbye to me.

"So that's it, he's more scared than I am. He's afraid I'll leave. "

Do you really think I would leave without saying goodbye? - It hurt me to think that I would go in that way. I loved him, but my basic instinct made me get defensive when they attacked me with words.

I know you, Ayla. I know that when you have a problem you don’t face it, you run away, you hide or pretend it hasn’t happened. I thought you were ashamed of what had happened this morning and you were gone- "Are you holding back so you don’t cry? Matt, please don’t cry, if you cry you'll break my heart ... Ask me anything you want, but don’t cry please, if you cry, you'll kill me. "

I had some business to do on my own, Matt, things I could handle on my own. I didn’t need you...

His accusing finger and his screams tightened the knot that had formed in my throat.

That's your problem Ayla Hurst! That you never ask for help, the moment you set foot here your problems stopped being only yours and being of all. Why don’t you tell me what's wrong with you? Why don’t you let me be a part of your world as you are mine? -His voice dropped suddenly. His face was redder and his eyes were wet. His face was only a few inches from me, he grabbed my forearms and squeezed so much from the anger it contained that it hurt me, but I didn’t tell him anything, I was too concentrated holding on to the forms- You haven’t yet realized what you mean for me?

They had let go of that speech before, but not in the same way that Matt had done it, and I didn’t feel anything like what I felt for him. It had been so long that I didn’t fall in love, that I was too afraid to spoil it, and above all knowing that sooner or later I would have to leave it and return. He jerked my forearms and started walking down the beach. I rolled up my sleeves to rub the area that had grabbed me, I had left a couple of red marks on the meat, but I couldn’t try them too long: I ran out on Matt's post. He stomped the stones on the floor, discharging his anger against them. I called him by his name a couple of times, but he pretended not to listen to me, I tried to stop him by pulling on his coat, but he ignored me too. I ran until I stood in front of him, slowing his progress with my hands on his chest. His glazed blue eyes broke my heart and the shield that surrounded my feelings.

Please, let me...- he pleaded. He pressed my wrists to get rid of me:

I went to Hoonah to take a pregnancy test.

What? - His face changed radically. He babbled meaningless words.

Don't worry, it was negative ... It's only been a pill effect...

He didn’t let me finish the sentence, his attitude changed suddenly and he pressed me to his chest. I was grateful to feel his hair again caressing my cheeks, his rough hands on my back, the heat of his body, the smell of damp earth ... He released me to look into my eyes:

You shouldn’t have gone through that alone. It’s also my thing... -He spoke sweetly, making me see that he understood my point of view, but that I had also done wrong not to warn him.

I didn’t want to worry you…

More than I was this morning? It's almost impossible.

We remained silent for a while, not daring to apologize to each other. His hands caressed my icy fingers. "It was okay, we're fine..."

A child... Can you imagine us with a child? -I refused to answer that yes, I had imagined it a thousand times -If I had a child I would raise him as Batman to Robin-and was once again the usual Matt, with his nice way of looking at life, my Matt.

We could also have a girl ... -I followed the game, I really wanted to see where it was taking.

Of course! Why not? A beautiful redhead girl whom the only man who would approach him until he was thirty would be his father... -he teased- although if she had your character I would regret it for the poor man who approached her.-I pushed him gently.

Excuse me! I’m here-He laughs as only he knew how.  "If we have a baby, I want him to have your laugh."

What would we call her? What names do you like?

I don’t know, there are very nice names...

I want to put a name of the forest, something like Winter Rose or Blue Rose... And if it were a boy it's clear: Robin.

Never, in a million years- I exclaimed with a silly smile.

Oh no? Tell me a better name than Robin.

Matthew...- I said, losing myself in his beautiful blue eyes.

Matthew?-he was surprised.-Would you put my name to my son?-I nodded.-But why?

I took my time to respond, I wanted to look at it for a moment, every day that passed I saw it more beautiful, I didn’t know if it was why it was the final or why were the first months of falling in love, but had never seen anyone like him...

Because I am proud of you, as I would be of him...

He pressed his forehead to mine and smiled again, his arms again gripping my forearms, this time more gently than the previous one. I close my eyes. If something knew Matt Brown was getting serious when he played and admit his mistakes:

I'm sorry to have shouted at you before, but I was very worried.

It's all right, - I swallowed, hating to admit that I'd been wrong, but I had to.-I shouldn’t have left without telling you...

But Matt wouldn’t let me finish my apology, he fell to his knees, downcast, and hugged my legs until he almost knocked me to the ground. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had been holding everything for far too long, and eventually he exploded. I understood how he felt, I used to feel that way because I didn’t share my thoughts with anyone, but now I was with him and he could let off steam with me, just as I did with him.

I was so afraid to be alone again, not to see you again... I had never felt this for anyone, I had never been so afraid of not seeing someone again. Just thinking of you gone was driving me crazy... -"you can’t depend on me, Matt like this, life goes on, but I can’t imagine it without you right now, but you must be strong, my babe" I caressed his curls while he was relieved hugging my legs. His wet cheeks wet my waist. Now I didn’t need my advice, just my support, and I was going to give it as he had given it to me on other occasions. "Matt Brown, the only man who has been able to break my shield and touch my heart." My attitude as an independent woman was beginning to wane: if Matt was confessing to me that I was leaving, I was realizing that I didn’t conceive of my future and my happiness without him. That talk about children and those confessions was making me weak, more human... Suddenly he looked at me with those huge blue eyes, injected with tears, wrapped in the redness of his skin, squeezed my legs even harder, which caused me to stagger and almost lost the balance, and he begged me with all his soul. It broke my heart, He had broken my anti-feelings shield. Noah was right, and if I had found my soul mate?"- Please Ayla, don’t go, please, I beg you, don’t leave me alone... I'll do whatever you ask, but I'm afraid to wake up alone in the morning, See you walking by my side. Your smile, your writing ... I know I have a problem because it's not normal to feel what I feel for you- "No Matt, it's not normal, what happens to you happens only in books, but I'm afraid to confess that I feel the same . I know that if I left you would end up beating him, because you are very strong Matt Brown, although I don’t know if I would be able to do it. I wouldn’t be able to never see your smile again."- Don’t go, Ayla, please do not go ...”

Calm down, Mattie, please calm down. - I crouched down to his height and let it crumble to my shoulders. I needed to cry. I hugged his curls against me as he continued babbling nonsensical parts of his speech. He was pressing me tightly against him. "This dependence is not healthy that is developing towards me, I’ll have to make him see that his life doesn’t revolve around me, although I refuse to admit that I am developing the same attitude of dependence around him."

I don’t know what led me to answer the following, if I was really in love with him, his speech pitied me or feared that if I went, he backed to drink and not be able to live with guilt. I had in my mind the talk with Bam: "If he makes you happy, why not leave everything and come to live here?

I'm not going anywhere, Mattie, I'm not going anywhere. I swear you…